Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Can I color on your dick again?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize