Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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