dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
if only i could text you this smell
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
