Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
