She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
