well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
