The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
