He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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