he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
