new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
