Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
