you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
