I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You can't special order awesome
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
