I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We need a shit load of segways right now
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
