great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
