There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize