The maid of honor just puked.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize