My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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