My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
