Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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