so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
