don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
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