The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
