I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
