U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
