I can feel you judging me through the phone.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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