If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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