You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
