OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
