Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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