I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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