I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
