So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
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