I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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