You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
