I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
