I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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