I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
