i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
