Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
