Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
