I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
