Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
