so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
