Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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