i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
