so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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