Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
