he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
