someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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