I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
