If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
