Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
