thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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