Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
