Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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