I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
