If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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