Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
